On Monday morning I woke up thinking about Zhe and our future together. We have a child, a daughter Elizabeth. I have often dreamed about the three of us over the last few months. I've seen Elizabeth eating a boiled egg for breakfast and then chasing the duck around the backyard. I have seen her and her mother cuddling and talking together and I have seen me playing with her. Anyway I woke with an ache on Monday. I needed family.
So I went to the library (great places libraries) and I borrowed The Blue Jay's dance by Louise Erdrich. It was pretty much the first book that came up on the catalogue when I typed in whatever keywords I put in. Anyway, i'm just about finished it. I suppose it's the new age man coming out in me but I really like this book. I love the way that writers can write about love. How Erdrich talking about love moves from the baby she carries around, out into other rooms of her house, or under her house with spiders webs and into the garden and then out into the woods beyond. The whole book is about love for her family, but it is also a great gardening book and a cookbook. The whole alchemy of family life. This evening on the train home from work. I wanted to tell the woman and complete stranger opposite me all about the book. I had it on my knee hoping that she would go "Oh you are reading The blue jays dance, isn't it a great read? Don't you like the bit when..."
Oh I am wanting Zhe. I want to lie in bed with her and cuddle into her. I want to reach out with my arm and draw her near to me. To make love to her and for her to make love to me. To kiss her, to be tender. I am so wishing that she could be here.
I have been in this funny mood all day. Where I want to sing and dance. It's wanting to be Mick Jagger and sing and dance on stage. When I was younger I loved Mick Jagger. But now I recognise that it wasn't love so much as yearning to be like him. The little boy, bullied at school wanting to be Jumping Jack Flash. A few years ago I saw the Rolling Stones on stage in Melbourne. They played Midnight Rambler and I was wishing that Jagger would bring out the belt and get down on the floor and do the belt thumping thing that he used to do. I wanted to feel young again with them. I was sitting there begging him to do it. To take me back, but he didn't.
A couple of weeks ago I was cleaning out some old boxes in the garage and I came across a cassette. On one side I had taped some of Exile on Main Street and on the other side I had taped Pete Townshend's White City Fighting. I must have down it years ago. Anyway I have been constantly playing it in the car. Old songs that you never tire off. Like old friends.
I suppose I had better be off now. I've got to ring Zhe tonight and it's a little cold sitting here.
See you later.
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